Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
