i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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