And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Randomize
