Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
zippers are such a cool invention
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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