you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
