Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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