he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
i think im in europe. pls send help
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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