her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
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