you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
