my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
