you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
