i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
