He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
