Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
