my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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