onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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