my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
