Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
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