dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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