I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
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