i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
