i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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