Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
