Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
