Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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