headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
