ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
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So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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