My nipple is on Facebook.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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