Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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