It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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