thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Let's get the cat blown out
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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