My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Blow job season was short but glorious.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Randomize
