i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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