Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
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