Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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