I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
