I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
