Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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