i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
