i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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