there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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