All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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