i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
