Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Randomize
