the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
