I skipped work to stalk him.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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