Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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