May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
