i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Randomize
