Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
