Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
