I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
